02.05.05 - 6:27 pm

today was good. today was better. i dont know why, but the constant and steady stream of annoying customers helped untangle the mess of emotions i typically find myself wrapped up in.

i didnt feel much. i had alot of uncomfortable thoughts. and a realization or two.

its only eight days away. last year i went out and bought oysters and pasta and such. some wine. ashton was there, but we had the whole house and big bathtub. i had candles going. dim lights. a view of the river. we had been fighting for a while, but decided to spend this evening together. i enjoyed it. i think she did too. it was the first time i saw ashtons terrifying face. i thought we were happy.

this year shell be having sex with someone else. going out with him and not me. just two weeks ago she said we could spend the day together. but i doubt she means it now.

i wont be doing anything. i wont be with anyone. ill try, but i wont kid myself.

its a terrible feeling knowing what shes doing while im doing nothing of the sort at the same exact time. such as when i am laying down to fall asleep with ashton, and knowing shes having him come over to spend the night.

regardless, today was good. today was better.