03.26.05 - 2:32 am

friends.

nevermind that when stuck inside a huddle containing my most favorite people im in a constant self depricating argument with my inner monologue. but i'll at least discuss it.

try to be funny. say something clever. wait for the right timing. do something. say something. drink more. ask for a cigarrette. bring up an interesting story or conversation topic. stop being so quiet. be more like justin. be more like brian kinney. stop.

be yourself.

thats the problem though. i am. i mean, mostly. in spite of my innability to fulfill the desires of my inner persona, i am as much of myself as id like to be. i am quiet. i am not particularly funny. i am not as clever as brian kinney nor as adventuresome and carefree as justin. but i still have friends. i still have people that like me. and the battle of who id like to be, and what i end up actually presenting is...that me? or am i really just myself, and the conflict is really inconsequential and irrelevant? i want to be genuinely myself. sarah mentioned that i only find certain things funny because of justin. and that might be true, but not completely. i really think ive always been goofy and finding subtle things humorous. justin has just allowed me to laugh more, to be comfortable with the things that make me laugh. justin brings out and allows me to feel immature, to enjoy how it feels to be 23 and healthy and physically able. and i have no problem with my immaturity. im young. im 23. im going to act this way and laugh at what i want not because someone influenced me and im pretending to be like them, but because....i'll do what i want. does that make sense?

i smell of cigarrette smoke. its in my hair. my clothes. my eyes still burn from it all. the second venue for justins band was in a bar. first time since december, the smell of smoke didnt incite memories of italy.

brian kinney, brian gjurgevich, nathan o brien, bryan alexanderson, justin davis, john helgesson.

these are my best friends. these are the people i severely enjoy being around. i feel included by them. important. i like, inspite of how inferior i feel under them, that they make me feel genuinely appreciated. i love my friends. i adore them and their company. i care about their choices and their behaviors, but i dont need to speak up about my disagreements with them. i dont need to, really. tonight while driving behind justin, i imagined a police car blazing its lights to life from a dark underpass and accelerating towards him. knowing he was completely drunk and his arrest would be unavoidable once pulled over, i suddenly start to swerve wildly and honk my horn unnecessarily. this alerts the attention of the police officer who is now completely unconcerned with justins suggestive driving and is now focused on my blatant disregard for the law.
justin speeds away unharmed. i get a warning or a silly ticket. justin keeps his license and is relieved of a tremendous burden.

id like to be able to do this sort of thing on a regular basis. protect and stand by my friends and be more useful. show them my appreciation for them in a more distinct way.

and sarah, regardless of how good things are or seem, is really starting to depress me.