03.30.05 - 1:48 pm

its starting to wear on me. feelings of hopelessness and lack of strength, too much to do in too little time to do it. i feel like my time for myself is too often penciled in, instead of made to work out.

sarah. her addictions. i cant stop them. she doesnt care to stop them. as much as she says she wants to, nothing ever happens. i never see any change. she doesnt ever proudly come up to me and say, "i havent smoked now for two weeks!" or "in the last month, ive only had like 6 beers!" or "ive completely stopped smoking weed, and wont ever do it again."

and she wont ever say that. its not important to her. my feelings about her addictions, as much as she says theyre important, are never given any consideration. just more frustration. more disappointment.

"then why dont you break up with me."

thats what she said yesterday when i confronted her about the fresh pack of cigarrettes i found on her car seat. i dont matter so much to her. trying to be strong for her and encourage her and be supportive of her has really stopped. completely. i cant keep believing her when she tells me she'll stop, because i know she wont. and maybe that in turn is not encouraging her to want to cease her addictions. so its a circular road of self destruction. but i just cant find it in myself to believe her when she tells me she wont ever smoke or limit her drinking. im just a nag, someone who continually aggravates her and keeps bringing her back to reality. there are too many things she wishes were different about me.

the first and most important is indifference.

blaine loved to smoke weed and get really drunk. when youre drunk theres really nothing to deal with except having sex and laughing at stupid things. when youre high, you really dont need to care about anything.
shes never had anyone really make her deal with the consequences of her actions. hanging up. yelling. avoiding conversation. getting angry. sex. all means of distracting everyone from having her face her own demons. its easier for her. too easy, and its been too easy for too long.

sarah, you are an addict, and you need to stop. ashton has a substance abusing mother, and as much as you try to hide it, eventually he will know. eventually his friends will know and tease him about it. eventually it will get worse for you and youll begin to neglect him. eventually he will be an addict because thats the sort of example he had growing up. eventually i will be gone and you will have one less person giving you resistance and encouraging you to better yourself.

i wish i could say you better me sarah, but truth is, you dont. i wish you did. i wish you did real bad. you exaust me. trying to make you a better person is wearing me down. you make me laugh, youre wonderful to spend time with. i love being around you and ashton. i love pretending to be a little family of happy people. i love watching you act goofy and laugh. i love it when we are actually able to carry on a long and meaningful conversation. i really care about you sarah, and you being happy and succeeding. but you do so many things that make it harder for you. and not just with your addictions. but your reproductive abilities. you make poor decisions. and i hate that we disagree on so many things about drugs and pregnancy.

get better sarah. it will make us better. i promise.