06.09.05 - 11:23 pm

GET THAT FUCKING SHIT OUT OF YOUR FUCKING PURSE.

its acceptable now for her to be constantly angry and annoyed with me. because now she doesnt have any reason to adjust her behavior. she can act how she wants to now and not feel guilty about it. being annoyed to the point where she feels the need to hang up on me is acceptable. i really am just that annoying to her.

and let me tell you why.
well, one of many reasons.

tomorrow she wants me to drive to hillsboro to drop off ashton with her younger sister. that is at least an hour and a half drive. then she expects me to drive back to corvallis in time for my 430 pm shift at work. i dont like this idea. its at least three hours spent driving. most likely at least 25 dollars in gas. and my free time wasted.
but sarah does it all the time, so i dont have any room to complain.

of course i have room to complain!

just because she would rather drive the 80 miles back and forth to get a babysitter instead of finding someone locally, doesnt mean that i need to do that. its ridiculous. theres no point. its completely absurd. i ask my friends to help out, and they do, tremendously and for that i completely appreciate their patience and help. but apparently none of her friends can help. i have no idea why. and its not going to get any better when she moves back north again either. that just means just as many if not more hour long drives as we pass off our son to each other.

its dumb. and she gets mad at me, and says she doesnt want to express anymore sympathy for me. well, what she should do is start working our a solution to this problem with me instead of just ignoring it and getting angry at me for suggesting an alternative.

in addition, i must learn some things about her.

first, she wasted a tremendous amount of my time and energy. all this time she pretended to be in love with me, hoping her feelings would return before i found out she didnt really care to be with me anymore. all this time i had to ignore my discomfort from her and blaine. all this time i did my damndest to make her happy, to be happy with her, and to make her happy with me. to not necessarily make up for my apathy prior to italy, but to change and express remorse for it. to start our relationship over again as two happy people struggling to raise a child. but happy to be with each other.
not the case. it was me and my feelings for her...and her not having any feelings for me. pretending.

this whole dumping our child on each other will not get any easier unless i start to think of her not as someone i have feelings for, but as someone who watches ashton when im at work. she is no one other than a babysitter. there are no feelings there. there is no past. there is no hope. there is only what she is to me, and what she will always remain.

shes a smoker. a mom who smokes. who will pick up her drinking right where she left off. no matter where she goes, she will continue to pretend she doesnt have a child. she will pretend to be an age she forfeited when she agreed to have a child. and she will be rude. she will be constantly annoyed with me. she will be apathetic and uncaring. she will do all the things she used to do while she was with blaine.

and i just cant wait to get started with that again.