08.24.05 - 1:52 am

BEN! JUSTIN!

where are you? how i needed you tonight. how i needed you around. i needed my two closest friends. how i needed you to make me laugh. to make me....enjoy. i meant to say goodnight to kate, but instead...it was a dance. damnit. the sphinx and billy were nice to have around, but how i needed something closer.

im sorry justin, im stealing kate from you. shes....incredible. i dont know why. i feel like ive only seen her twice, but something about her lures me to steal her all the same.
the lights turned on at the bar, and how i was relieved. i needed to go home. no more drinking. no more people. no more dudes.

after it al ends. after the pitcher is empty. after the tab is closed. after the red cup is empty. i just want to come home with or to something that will be there several months after that night. i dont want to come home with someone who will be gone the next day. i want to come home with someone that ive been coming home with and who i will continue to come home with for many evenings to come.

goddamnit how i need something consistant.
and how fucking hard it is to acheive.

coming home alone is fine too i guess. in the morning im sure ill be glad i did. in the morning ill go back to mourning the loss of something so completely irrational and emotionally useless i might as well not waste too much energy on someone i might actually like.

elizabeth....youre too far away. ive told you this a million times. and we both know how not dependable you are....but i remain to fancy you still.

trying to upgrade is such a daunting impossible task. id rather just give up and have cody, but even he is 72 miles away and unreachable.

college.

goddamn you.