10.09.05 - 1:27 am

hm.

i have no idea. i really dont. i dont know you anymore. i dont know where you go. what you do. what you look like. what you like to laugh about. what you like to eat. what you like to think about. where you like to go.

and i can make myself so sad by this.

you were wonderful. you were beautiful. you were special. you were....everything.

now youre gone. this whisper of a person that i knew. that someone i know of only through heresay and rumor.

god i miss you.

did you do just as i expected? just as i feared? did you know this was coming? was i to blame for this?

god im so sorry.

i love you so much. i miss you so much. im sorry you are where you are.

maybe youre no where. maybe youre home in your bed, and im typing all of this in complete ignorance. maybe i just dont know a goddamn thing about you. maybe i never did. maybe i dont know anything about marijuana and what it does to people.

maybe i tried to write you back dozens of times. maybe i have countless copies of emails to you. all ending in anger. frustration. confusion.

what the fuck? what can i do? what can i do to weasle myself back in...just long enough to say hello. to let you know i think about you daily. to let you know i care. to let you know that regardless of your hatred, your hurt, your anger towards me, that im still here. that im still here thinking of you. that im still wishing i didnt fuck up. that i was still in italy with just you. that i wish i was in italy with you....and no one else to distract us.

and i guess i can hope youll read this. but i guess ill expect you wont.

im such an incomplete person. so confused as to where to go or what to do. flapping my arms at choices in hopes of making the right ones. struggling emotionally to find myself and a sense of power over them. and all the while knowing you dont necessarily have the answers, but you have....something. something i can depend on. i know so many others depended on you, but god, how i hoped i could provide something for you. all the while praying i have something you can depend on. and knowing im something so insufficient for something such as you.

i miss you. im drunk at the time of writing this, but inspite of the intoxication i know these are things i would tell you were you laying next to me.

you are mad.
you are content.
you are satisfied.
you are hurt.

i am still confused.

but good luck. be happy. please be happy. ill see you soon enough sometime.

ill find you. or something like that.