01.01.06 - 4:22 pm

sixteen days since my last entry, and a decent amount of life finding its way inbetween.

lets start with last night. a night that exemplifies my angst and unhappiness with sarah. over the last few days, sarah had mentioned she had been invited to spend new years eve with gabby downtown, but as the date approached and sickness set in, sarah seemed more and more set on the idea of just going home after work and stayin in with ashton. i too was growing more content with just...staying in and not doing anything. a few drinks. sarahs company and maybe even an ashton. by noon on the 31st she still maintained she was just going home and that i should join her. i didnt want to drive. i had barely enough money to pay for gas and i was exausted. so i told her i would just be staying home in corvalli for the night, and that maybe michael would be over. but around 845 michael wasnt coming and the more i thought about it, the more i had wanted to be with sarah. so i got dressed up in a nice shirt, pants, shoes. fixed my hair and shaved my face. i hit the road at full speed trying to get to sarahs work before she got off at 10. at 930 i texted her to call me when she got off, being busy, i thought for sure shed have to stay a bit longer and id make it in time to surprise her as she walked out to her car.
but she calls me when im less than 5 minutes away saying that shes already half way home....and that i should meet her in portland.

oh.

vastly disappointed i drove to my moms house where she was supposed to swing by and pick me up on her way out to oregon city. it was there i learned that it wasnt just gabby she was meeting. she was meeting gabby and her new interest greg, and gregs good friend...kevin.
this made me uncomfortable for two reasons:
a) i didnt want to go to clubs or bars downtown with a bunch of people.
b) sarah broke up with me so that she could have the option of fucking around with guys. one of which was of particular interest to her because he was still a virgin. so she did what any girl her age would do, she fucked him just to be his first and for that reason only, and his name was kevin.
so no, i decided that i wasnt interested in going downtown with her. she kept telling me to meet her down there. that she really wanted me to come. and that may have been true, however, i didnt want to drive to portland. i didnt want to have to drive around for an hour looking for a parking spot. i didnt want to have to pay for a parking spot two miles from the club they were at. and i didnt want to have to make conversation with some douche that totes around that he got his rocks off inside the girl that supposedly loves me.
on top of that it really bothered me that inspite of my disappointment in her chosen company and activities...she never opted to change her plans to be more jordan friendly. never did she suggest that just her and i go out and do our own thing, completely different from what gabby wanted. thats what she wanted to do, i was merely a optional figure in the equation, not necessary to its success. which also hurt my feelings.
so fuck it. i watched the ball drop at my moms in the dark with my two dogs, and then i drove back to corvallis. twenty five minutes after i arrived.
i got home around 130 and then went to bed, without even hearing from sarah anything more than a i love you, happy new year text message in response to the message i had sent her.

this being the woman that wants me to marry her and buy a house with her.

she can say she cares and loves me all she wants, but really its the constant let downs with her behavior that are creating an enormous amount of frustration in me that ive been unable to articulate to her.

so there you have it. my new years. work: 8am to 4pm. made dinner. showed curtis and his girlfriend my fish tank. took a nap. drove an hour to tualatin. watched tv by myself. drove an hour back to corvallis. went to bed.