07.10.06 - 12:08 am

i get so scared when im without him. i have mild panic attacks where my stomach tenses and i feel my fingers clench. i roll my eyes with disgust at the thoughts in my head.

i do not trust the world. i especially do not trust the world when i cant watch how it interacts with ashton.

the people i give ashton to watch i trust, but i still worry. i still worry about what things they tell him. or show him. or do to him. people cant be trusted on face value alone. it pains me to say i trust sarah, because i do, but i worry much more about what will happen to him than what someone will do to him. i worry more about him getting into a car accident or drowning with her than i do about someone molesting him or showing him grossly inappropriate things.

its constant. i feel incredibly secure when hes with me. at ease and comfortable. and theres always this tension when hes not with me. i thought it was just an occasional feeling of anxiety, but im finding its a quiet hum in the back of my thoughts the moment i drop him off and leave him.

its followed quickly by anger. the snap of remorse and fear or future resentment. i miss being a family. i miss sarah in my bed and ashton within arms reach. i miss driving together and laughing and video taping each other. i miss pictures of us three. i miss traveling to each others parents houses as a group.

my anxiety quickly turns to anger that i do not have this. i am deeply frustrated. i can not change this situation. it is well beyond my control. gritting my teeth about it will only change so much....

sarah sent me a message tonight:

"daddy kisses his girlfriend all night and i cry in my room" cool.

i told her than none of that was true, and then followed it up with a question asking if she believed me. with no response.

this will be a problem i expect to face alot. but wouldnt have to if.....