03.11.07 - 10:45 pm

it fills me with such sorrow and regret thinking of ashtons childhood. i am heartbroken with sadness when i think about what he will have to tell his friends at school, what he will write down when he is asked to describe his parents.

i dont want this for him.

i want two parents. his mom and his dad. i want a house that they wake up in every day. i want them to chat briefly over breakfast before they leave for work or school. i want to be able to look out a window and see ashton walking into his schoolbus. i want to come home and make dinner together. put some music on and clean the dishes together. i want the entire fabricated family that is impossible to achieve due to my circumstances.

i feel so ashamed that i didnt think ahead far enough. that i didnt do enough to make what i wanted tangible.

and just before i start to cry about it, just before i want to tell sarah that im sorry, i still care about you, just before im ready to disillusion myself....

....i stop.

the tenseness in my cheeks and swelling under my eyes fade. my breathing slows. i remind myself that there was only so much i could do to change her. to make her want me and this. i remind myself that you tried, and it didnt work.

and it wont work.

i remind myself that he enjoys his life. he is happy. he has joy. that regardless of how you want it, hes doing just fine. but i know he wants it different. hes told me. i think he feels the same emptiness i do. he knows somethings not how its supposed to be.

there. thats enough for now.