09.08.08 - 12:48 pm

i have few moments of inspiration lately. the need to write has always been there, but i find other things that take away the desire. that rob me of my ability to want to record the events and feelings and experiences. so here is a quick detailing in regards to sarah and ashton.

the most important experience to date has been the emotional battles my son is working through. and in a sense, i am with him.

sarah is pregnant.

and with that comes a whole slew of other problems him and i are to face.

The Name Change.

the other day we were driving, as we often do, and he tells me he thinks his mom is trying to change his last name to webb. the last name of sarahs current boyfriend. he would go on to tell me he doesnt want to have my last name anymore. he wants to be a webb because dusty is a webb, his mom is going to be a webb and he wont be. my last name is boring to him and he wants to change it. coming from your five year old son, someone who is supposed to look up to you and want to emulate you, this didnt feel good at all. especially since he would rather have the name of the guy with sarah.

so i asked sarah about it. via text.

"no...but he is VERY concerned with the whole last name issue. ive assured him its great to be a noe! but i was doing some research and its a major identity thing in children. if the entire family doesnt have same last name. it corresponds with how 'important' a first name is, if that makes sense. so i just tell him that having the same last name as his daddy doesnt mean that he isnt a part of me and dustys life just as much!!!"

now i understand that when a couple plans to get married, you bring up the changes that will it will include. but to me, something about this seems peculiar. it seems odd to me that this would be a particularly troubling issue for a five year old. now, true, i dont have any experience with them outside my own son, but his concern and idea that changing a last name because its boring....seems, not of his own conception. it was only discussed that afternoon and briefly, and he hasnt brought it up since.

The Lies I Tell.

"do you make alot of money?" this question comes up with some frequency. he often will tell me that dusty tells him that because i work at a fish store i dont make alot of money. this question came up again on the morning of his second day of school. i was driving through the parking lot looking for a place to park when he asked. i told him that i make enough money to put a roof over his head and food in his belly. after he asked me how much, i told him i make enough to keep us comfortable. a pause. then:

"are you lying?"

what? no. why would i lie to you about that.

"dusty says that you lie about that. that you lie about everything and when i grow up ill find out all the things you lied to me about and youll be very sad."

wow. what a kick to the face. i was stunned. i looked over at julie wide eyed in disbelief. does a five year old really think about this stuff? could he come up with such a scenario at his age? where would something like this even come from?

my heart breaks.

my son is being poisoned. his head is being filled with garbage that no five year old should have to deal with. hes being pitted against his own father by his mother and her boyfriend. in trying to phase me out of their lives all together, they have recruited ashton to help.

i feel terrible for ashton. i cant imagine any scenario in which dusty would feel a conversation like that would be necessary with him. so, painfully, i dropped him off with his teacher and left, a terrible feeling taking hold. my son is being poisoned. and it feels like the propaganda being used against me on him is getting more pointed and at this point, desperate.

"hey, um ashton just told me that he told you that dusty hits him. um, and im calling anyway, one on the behalf of dusty and the other on behalf of...letting you know that we're talking about this. hopefully you have the brains enough to know that ashton says alot of things to try and get reactions out of both of us. and dusty hasnt hurt ashton ever, in his entire life, hes never even said he was going to spank him or anything like that, because he has said that...he hasnt. but i just know not to believe half the stuff he says, like you keep him locked in his room for five hours at a time. im not gonna like go and thinking that everything he says is true. hes five, one. and two, i just know why he says the things that he does. he works both sides. and he knows when he does it. and he knows not necessarily what it is, but he knows the reactions he gets out of it. so, i would appreciate it if you would call me back and if ashton has been saying anything to you about anything to not necessarily think that hes telling the truth because i dont believe that when he says bad things about you."

this is the message i received later that day. now where would this come from? why would ashton tell sarah that he told me dusty hits him? what the hell is going on? is this just her way of confusing me so that i dont believe that dusty is filling ashtons head with garbage? its hard for me to separate the truth from the fiction. when i get ashton this week, i want to have a talk with him. i want to try to figure somethings out. it just strikes me as particularly out of character for a five year old to construct such well articulated scenarios, such as: when hes older he will figure out that ive been lying to him and that ill feel bad. i cant imagine this being something he came up with on his own. and this really bothers me. the child is being damaged emotionally and one side is doing it on purpose.

The Request.

i texted sarah that day at work, after dropping off ashton and before she called me, with something like this:

hey, would you like to get together on a sunday or monday morning to sit down and talk about somethings? id like to discuss some potential schedule changes, get some papers signed and just discuss some other things in regards to ashton. let me know.

she calls back a bit later.

are you at work?
yes.
well, what did you want to talk about?
um, im at work, i cant really talk about things right now.
well, what papers? what do you want signed?
you know, the birth certificate papers. to get my name on there.
well, im not going to sign something just because you want me to.
sarah, this isnt just...anything. its just to get my name on the birth certificate.
why would i want to do that? right now you dont have any legal rights....
well, id like to change that, and i need you to sign some things.
i dont know. ill have to think about that. what did you want to discuss about ashton?
i cant really talk about it right now, im at work.
well why do you want to meet up? why dont you just talk now?
because im at work, and i thought we could get together to talk....
well, no. i dont want to do that. if you want to talk to me you call and talk to me. dont text me and ask to talk and then not be able to talk.
but sarah, that why i asked you...
no, if you have something to say, then say it. we dont need to meet up. we dont need that type of relationship.
forgive me for thinking that two grown ups meeting to talk was appropriate...ill call you later when im not working.
ok, you do that.

several hours later is when i get the second phone call detailing about the hitting episode.

so i wait. i wait till i can see him. till i can talk with him. i havent spoken with sarah about anything yet, i think i want to get to ashton first. a mess is coming. the pregnancy and inevitable marriage is just going to compound the current problems.

can a person really be so fickle as to not want to get a fathers name on the birth certificate?