09.29.08 - 9:09 am

sarah is pregnant.

i still find it hard to believe. like its some sort of act i have to go along with until eventually i can just stop pretending and shell go back to being not pregnant. am i really here, is it really 2003 again? did the last five years really happen? i almost enjoyed the speculation of is she/isnt she more than the certainty of knowing, because at least then there was a chance it all wasnt true.

watching her walk. where she places her hands. how her clothes take the shape of her body.

i dont need a photo album to reminisce. the images from our past are seared so deeply that bursts of them surface every time i look at her. she smiled at me more back then. or did she? her hair was black. she complained about her face. she laughed at the antics of brain and justin.

we still fought.

the bitterness i was to feel hadnt yet poisoned me.

in the remotest, most distant realm of my memories, i feel a sting of disappointment. a rush of regrets and what ifs. the things i could have done and moments i would change so that this moment in time would still include me. a single family of four. like it was supposed to be. i want to be with the mother of my child, regardless of who it is. in this case it just happens to be sarah thornton. and now, with her having a child with someone else, it crushes the ideal family portrait, even if it never existed in the first place.

wanting to be a part of her life with a second child quickly evaporates into relief. shes still not anchored down. shes still not settled. shes still unmarried and will have two children from two different fathers. i look at dusty, and hear him talk about the son he will soon have, and i feel sorrow for a future he may have to endure. a future where sarah is not part of the plan he has imagined right now. where he is cemented into the same role as a single father, desperately working out problems with an unreasonable girl. do i hope he succeeds where i failed? i suppose. it would be nice if it actually worked out for someone. would i be happy if his experience mirrored my own? its what im expecting, maybe not for a while, but eventually. maybe three years. a half smirk across my face followed by a slow head shake. a hollow good luck.

another thornton. the family is expansive. spread out. spread too thin. can i just take mine, and go?

maybe all of this would be different if it was actually pleasant. if sarah gave me a hug or a pleased hello when she saw me. if she didnt take steps backwards when i approached to talk with her. if she didnt keep her back to me while i ask her questions. if we were friends who could talk and make jokes. if she didnt glare as she looked at me.

if we were friends.

then i wouldnt worry about how this other child will affect my relationship with ashton. how ashton will feel about a brother with his mom and dusty, and not his mom and me. i wouldnt worry about me being intrusive to her four person family. if sarah will cling to ashton more or less. if she will be broke and want child support. if shell want full custody. if shell want to change his last name.

disbelief layered onto five year old memories.

sarah is pregnant.