12.06.08 - 5:49 pm

another packet today. two in as many days from my attorney. thick stacks of perfectly assembled and stapled papers. the language is nauseating.

so aggressively nonambiguous. resonatingly firm. with thinly veiled threats and insinuations weaved into the courteous wording.

Please find enclosed in the above-referenced matter Mr. Noe's Response and Counterclaims, a Request for Production of Documents, and a notice of Deposition in this matter.

A motion and order referring this matter to mediation has been submitted to the court and upon receipt of a signed order referring the parties to mediation, I will be happy to provide you with a copy.

At this point, and if you are open to discussing the merits of the case with me, I would be happy to schedule some time to discuss a resolution to this case. I look forward to your professional courtesies.

reading that, i am thrilled its on my behalf. but immediately am left repulsed by its very existence. im just being sent copies of documents. not because hes showing me what legal attacks look like on stiff, brightly bleached paper with my name scrawled into the template. because hes actually sending these words to another attorney. to a judge. to the legal system. and ultimately sarah.

the conflict these documents represent doesnt even seem to exist, except on paper. i pick up and drop off ashton without even seeing sarah now days. i get an occasional text asking me to have ashton call her, and i listen to her and dusty bribing ashton with surprises over the phone, and then thats the end of it.

ashton and i made a birthday card for sarah wednesday night. id be very surprised if i get one in return.

its easy to forget that an epic conflict is inevitable. im going to have to go to parenting classes on wednesday night. im going to have to go to mediation and battle with sarah over who thinks they need more of what. things are going to get terribly complicated and ugly.

but in between these packets arriving in the mail, none of that looms in my future.

im really quite uncomfortable. nervous at what sort of character assasinations sarah will try to point out. i fear humiliation. i fear lies but at the same time truths.

and then, after all this is over, i fear a life time of sarah poisoning ashton with her anger and contempt regardless of how the process works out.

and all of this, because sarah refuses to raise our son with my help.

how often do i wish for the days when sarah would ask if julie and i would like to enjoy a weekend with her and dusty and ashton at a lake house or something.

something completely absurd like that.