06.01.09 - 9:09 am

it was 5 am today.

6 am yesterday.

same routine. day after day. i wake up with my mouth dry and open. inside my nose, a blockade of a heavy substance i can feel weighing down my sinuses. forcing air through my nostrils is messy at best and impossible at worst. ill stand up, feel the fluid shift its gelatinous shape behind my face. in the bathroom ill show no mercy. wads of toilet paper, aggressive blowing, a myriad of noises and contortions followed by the climactic injection of afrin, scourge of persistent liquid matter. it takes a few inhalations, but in a few moments the air starts to flow freely again. fresh cool air billowing where it belongs. my eyes are bloodshot though. they itch and ache to be closed. my body swells with fatigue. but it knows as well as i do, that laying down will shift whats lurking inside my head to incompatible directions. so i adjust the sides i lay on. i lay chest down, face up, i alter the direction my head tilts on the pillow. anything to find that next to perfect angle that will allow me to fall back asleep. while breathing mostly through my nose.

this is the morning ive endured for the last several days. the morning and the evenings. every night. every morning.

during the day i diligently twist my fist into my eyes; gently massaging the burning that erupts without provocation, but without my interference would rob me of such endless pleasure. once i start, i wont be able to restrain myself. its unfortunate how good the itching feels, when itched of course. itching a scratch, scratching an itch. however you prefer.

if only suffocation felt as delightful.