10.04.14 - 10:18 am

babies. babies and wedding rings. demands and expectations. should i worry about every vacation we take building up her hopes for a potential engagement offering? i find myself mostly immune to these social burdens of anticipation, but i certainly feel their efforts. its a topic that seems to come up regularly now in conversation both with julie and my friends, and falls between the accusatory "why havent you yet?" and the demanding "when are you?". its going to remove all the fun if i feel like i have to. and i never want to feel like i need to get married. social pressure shifts from drug use and bad decisions in your youth to social irresponsibility and procreation in your adult life.

everybody else is doing it, why arent you?

to me the idea of marriage is ridiculous. id like to blame my marriage disinterest solely on insecurities about my own commitment abilities. but its a laundry list of things that make the idea of marriage seem unnecessary.

but i also realize theyre mostly unfounded concerns that would probably evaporate after everything was said and done. just like my refusal to move in with julie. just like not wanting a dog. it was fine once it happened. and im happier because of it.

but does that happen with marriage? what does it even mean to get married? why do people want to get married? what changes in the relationship? why is it socially considered weird to not get married? i dont like it. how do i find out? i feel like people are so programmed to want to get marriage, even asking a married person these questions would only produce pro-marriage memorized talking points.

and why does it have to be so goddamn expensive? diamond rings are an economic scam, particularly if your significant other has very expensive taste. its amazing what people can spend on a wedding. will the cost be more memorable than the experience? if so, then we will have done it wrong. i also dont want to feel like im leaving it all up to her to decide just to keep her happy.

le sigh.

i know im just asking rhetorical questions without answering any of them for myself. but right now id rather shave and take a shower than solve these sorts of mid thirties social conundrums. as per usual.